Reevaluating Failure

My husband and I have been married for 15 years now. That’s a small miracle in this day and age! Like all marriages, ours has seen ups and downs. During some of our rougher patches, we would enter into counseling. There’s nothing like having a third party to team up with you to help tell your husband everything he’s doing wrong, right? WRONG! The only way that counseling will ever work is if we allow it to nurture an environment where we are not only seeking to be understood, but we are also seeking to understand. After all – we can’t change the other person. We can only change ourselves, our reactions, etc.

It was in one of these counseling sessions that I received a challenge that has since changed my view on the inevitable experience of failure.

After sharing what I thought Sean needed to do to make our problems all better, our counselor gently challenged me by saying “Sarah, I think you need to reevaluate failure.” It took awhile for my ego to allow the truth of that advice to soak in. But once it did, I was able to look at the conflicts in our marriage differently. It didn’t need to be all or nothing. If we were taking steps forward in our communication, I didn’t have to assume we were right back to square one if another miscommunication or conflict arose. I could view the time in between conflicts as victory instead of each conflict as a failure; all while still striving to do better the next time. It may sound like semantics to some, but that little shift in thinking has helped me tremendously. Because we all know that fear of failure can keep us from trying. And we know that experiencing failure can keep us burdened and broken. But when we learn to reevaluate failure, we can still move forward in victory; even if things don’t go exactly the way we had hoped!

I had to remind myself of this truth just yesterday. I had proudly posted via Facebook and Twitter that my son had finally been potty trained! What takes some parents days had taken me weeks to achieve. (I’m told kids on the spectrum tend to have more difficulty.) Initially Hudson would wet his pants every 10-15 minutes. Then he learned to hold it 30 minutes. Then it turned into an hour. Then eventually he was telling me when he needed to go. And so after 2 days of dry undies, I felt compelled to celebrate my victory with cyber friends! And as if Hudson’s bladder were attached to my “send” button – he began having accidents again. Two pee and one poop! I started thinking maybe I hadn’t trained him yet. Maybe I was celebrating too prematurely. I even felt a little embarrassed having publically announced my son’s victory. And while I was cleaning Hudson’s third accident, I decided to let go of my frustration. I decided to go big picture. And once I did, I was able to see that he was still having far less accidents then when we first started. I was also able to take in the possibility that maybe it was just an off day. Just because he had an accident didn’t mean he wasn’t trained.

How much easier is it for us to see everything that isn’t going right? Don’t get me wrong, it is important to challenge ourselves and others to do better; especially in areas that are keeping us from fully being the person we were meant to be. But how many of us miss out on new experiences, celebrations, and personal growth because we’re afraid to look a fool? How many of us have unfair expectations on others because we don’t have eyes to see someone who may be taking baby steps. After all – any step forward should be considered victory! Isn’t that the kind of person we want in our corner - a cheerleader? Isn’t that the kind of friend we want? The kind of spouse we want? So shouldn’t that be the type of person we strive to be? The type of friend? The type of spouse? The type of parent? I believe it is all possible not as we aim for perfection, but as we learn to reevaluate failure.