Reevaluating Failure

My husband and I have been married for 15 years now. That’s a small miracle in this day and age! Like all marriages, ours has seen ups and downs. During some of our rougher patches, we would enter into counseling. There’s nothing like having a third party to team up with you to help tell your husband everything he’s doing wrong, right? WRONG! The only way that counseling will ever work is if we allow it to nurture an environment where we are not only seeking to be understood, but we are also seeking to understand. After all – we can’t change the other person. We can only change ourselves, our reactions, etc.

It was in one of these counseling sessions that I received a challenge that has since changed my view on the inevitable experience of failure.

After sharing what I thought Sean needed to do to make our problems all better, our counselor gently challenged me by saying “Sarah, I think you need to reevaluate failure.” It took awhile for my ego to allow the truth of that advice to soak in. But once it did, I was able to look at the conflicts in our marriage differently. It didn’t need to be all or nothing. If we were taking steps forward in our communication, I didn’t have to assume we were right back to square one if another miscommunication or conflict arose. I could view the time in between conflicts as victory instead of each conflict as a failure; all while still striving to do better the next time. It may sound like semantics to some, but that little shift in thinking has helped me tremendously. Because we all know that fear of failure can keep us from trying. And we know that experiencing failure can keep us burdened and broken. But when we learn to reevaluate failure, we can still move forward in victory; even if things don’t go exactly the way we had hoped!

I had to remind myself of this truth just yesterday. I had proudly posted via Facebook and Twitter that my son had finally been potty trained! What takes some parents days had taken me weeks to achieve. (I’m told kids on the spectrum tend to have more difficulty.) Initially Hudson would wet his pants every 10-15 minutes. Then he learned to hold it 30 minutes. Then it turned into an hour. Then eventually he was telling me when he needed to go. And so after 2 days of dry undies, I felt compelled to celebrate my victory with cyber friends! And as if Hudson’s bladder were attached to my “send” button – he began having accidents again. Two pee and one poop! I started thinking maybe I hadn’t trained him yet. Maybe I was celebrating too prematurely. I even felt a little embarrassed having publically announced my son’s victory. And while I was cleaning Hudson’s third accident, I decided to let go of my frustration. I decided to go big picture. And once I did, I was able to see that he was still having far less accidents then when we first started. I was also able to take in the possibility that maybe it was just an off day. Just because he had an accident didn’t mean he wasn’t trained.

How much easier is it for us to see everything that isn’t going right? Don’t get me wrong, it is important to challenge ourselves and others to do better; especially in areas that are keeping us from fully being the person we were meant to be. But how many of us miss out on new experiences, celebrations, and personal growth because we’re afraid to look a fool? How many of us have unfair expectations on others because we don’t have eyes to see someone who may be taking baby steps. After all – any step forward should be considered victory! Isn’t that the kind of person we want in our corner - a cheerleader? Isn’t that the kind of friend we want? The kind of spouse we want? So shouldn’t that be the type of person we strive to be? The type of friend? The type of spouse? The type of parent? I believe it is all possible not as we aim for perfection, but as we learn to reevaluate failure.

Take Time to Chase the Lizards

Last weekend, our family decided to take a day trip and stay the night in a little place called Alamo, NV. I don’t exaggerate when I say little. The population is just over 1,000. The church we serve at has an attendance 6x the size! All that to say, it forced us to slow down and…chase the lizards!

One of the highlights for me was Hudson discovering these desert dwellers. They were everywhere! Both Sean and I grew up in the deserts of Arizona and can remember catching lizards. They’re quick and skittish so you have to be pretty stealthy to claim your reward. But the funny thing is, despite their abundance in Alamo, Hudson didn’t notice them right away. He was fixated on something else on the hotel property. Decorative wagons. Pretty much anything that has wheels is going to have my son’s attention. As he is fixated on the broken wheels of an old wagon, I’m watching lizards scurry from here to there trying to avoid capture. At one point, Sean and I were sitting at an outside table talking while Hudson was exploring (you guessed it) a wagon. As I looked over, I noticed a brave little lizard chillin’ on a rock almost staring at me. For whatever reason, he wasn’t afraid and didn’t dart off like most do. So I called Hudson over to check him out. Even with the lizard right in front of him, he didn’t seem to notice it. But then the lizard moved and it was as if a whole new world opened up to Hudson. This was the perfect “first lizard” for Hudson because it was almost as if it was playing with him. It would scurry and hide under a rock. When Hudson would step further away, he would pop back out until Hudson got within touching distance. This hide-n-seek interaction lasted about a minute or two. But even after the lizard was no longer playing, Hudson was already on the lookout for others. The wagons were no longer his focal point.

It warmed my heart to know that a new interest had found it’s way into my son’s world; something that had broadened his little worldview. He discovered that Tonkas and Hotwheels and broken wagons aren’t the only things that are fun to explore. As I celebrated this little victory with my son, I realized we tend to be just like him. We focus on the things that are right in front of us on a daily basis: work, grocery shopping, potty training, bills, etc. How much of the world do we miss because we’re too fixated on the same old things? How many of our relationships suffer because we’re too distracted to give them the time they deserve? How often do we take the time to just stop and chase the lizards?

I think this little trip was just what we all needed.



Here are some links that helped make our little trip a pleasant one:
Windmill Ridge Inn
TripAdvisor
Geocaching
Pahranagat Wildlife Refuge

A Lot Has Happened

My dad used to say that “the smallest deed done is better than the greatest intention.” Well – my intention was to maintain a blog as a way to keep family, friends, and even strangers encouraged as they read about life lessons learned from Hudson. My actual deed was posting only one blog in a year! In that year, a lot has happened. To quickly summarize – Hudson has finished his first year (technically 6 months) of pre-k. Once he turned 3 – his Early Intervention Services completed and he became eligible for the autism program offered through the school district. I was extremely hesitant because had my son not been diagnosed – he’d be home with mom baking cookies or finger painting or making couch cushion forts. Not attending all day pre-k! But before he was eligible for the program, the district had to assess his skill levels. After their assessment, they put together an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) for him. An IEP is meant to set specific goals for Hudson based on his specific strengths and struggles. These are some of the goals set for Hudson based on his severe language and social delays:

• Hudson will match red, yellow, blue, circle, square, triangle
•  Hudson will identify big and little
•  Hudson will identify 4-6 body parts
•  Hudson will color in a given area
•  Hudson will complete inset puzzles of 3-5 pieces
•  Hudson will indicate the need to use the toilet
•  Hudson will respond to social greetings
•  Hudson will participate in basic turn taking activities
•  Hudson will attend to teacher directed activities
•  Hudson will classify objects by sorting them into categories
•  Hudson will express prepositional locations of objects
•  Hudson will improve his ability to formulate meaningful utterances to request, comment, describe, and answer

By the time we got through all of his goals – I felt like laughing! All I could think was “good luck with those!” It took a long time getting him to sit through and somewhat participate in a 45 minute playgroup. How in the world did they expect him to attend all day pre-k? Well, I figured we could at least give it a shot. And if it didn’t work, then I could pull him out. After all, pre-k isn’t mandatory.

And so his first day of school finally came. We packed his little lunch and pull-ups in his cute little camouflaged backpack that was bigger than him! And as I’m sure all parents do – Sean and I cried after we dropped him off. We cried because we felt cheated out of “normal” toddler years at home. We cried because we were nervous for our boy. We cried as the reality of our son’s autism settled in a layer deeper.

Even as I recall and write this post – I have gotten a little teary eyed. But this time it isn’t fear-based. These are tears of joy. I’m so proud of our boy because not only has he enjoyed school – he has met just about every single one of his goals! His vocabulary has grown. His ability to sit through activities has grown. His awareness of other students has grown. And on top of all of that – he seems to genuinely enjoy school! One of the last meetings we had with his teacher before summer started was to update his IEP. Old goals were met. New goals were set. And this time, instead of laughing in disbelief – I’m laughing in excitement to the new ways that Hudson is going to grow. A lot has happened in a year. But this is just the beginning!

Go Hudson!